This past week, I’ve been thinking about that report that said that 1 in 4 drivers in America couldn’t pass a driver’s test if you administered one to them today. Twenty-five percent of the drivers you see out on the roads are incompetent. That means you could sit at a stoplight and count the cars passing. Every fourth driver is a cellphone-talking, makeup-applying, Big Mac-eating, radio-fumbling, child-chastising terror. And yet we renew their licenses and encourage them to drive more, not less. Some of my favorites were on display this past week.
Ma & Pa Kettle – You know the type. They have license plates from rural counties. They tend to be older. They don’t often make it to the “big city”. Four lane roads confuse them. They constantly drive like they are looking for an address…in the left lane…during rush hour. They magically seem to always wind up in front of you. You could be driving at 4:00am, and there they are – putting along at 25 mph. I’ve often turned onto roads I had no intention of traveling on just to get away from them. Protip: get one of them thar fancy GPS Units with the Gomer Pyle voice option. “Well Goooollllllllly! I reckon y’all best fix to prepare to begin to start thinking about making a right turn on Limestone, cuz it’s coming up right quick-like!”
The Functionally Illiterate – We all see these pinheads. My favorites are the ones who don’t read traffic signs like “No Turn on Red”. As a frequent pedestrian around the university where I work, it’s always a treat to dodge a Mustang trying to whip around the corner when the light has been red for a full ten seconds. I love it when they get caught. “But Officer, I didn’t SEE the No Turn on Red sign!” Never mind it’s posted twice on both sides of the light. Never mind there were pedestrians IN THE FRIGGING CROSSWALK. This is also the group that hasn’t learned the fine art of going to the next exit and turning around if they miss their turn. Nope. They slam on their brakes and back up on the highway. Or, they make right hand turns from left hand lanes. If there ever was a universal dick move in a car, this is it.
The Distracted Driver – Recently, nearly every exit on I-75 around Lexington was shut down due to heavy rains, accidents and rubbernecking. I never understood rubbernecking. Unless there are heads rolling around the Interstate, it’s just a fender-bender. You’ve seen dozens of them. You’ll see dozens more before you’re through. Heck, you may even be IN a few of them. Also, smartphones have become a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it is nice to look something up right there, rather than wait until you get to a computer. On the other, do you really need to be updating your Facebook status at 75 mph? I love it when I’m at a red light. The light turns green and nothing happens for several seconds. The driver at the front has their head down, and when I give them a courtesy tap on the horn to remind them, I get flipped off. Oh right, I’M the bad guy here. I don’t want a gun for my car. I want a giant pinball plunger mounted to the front of my car. That way, when Twitchy McShinyObject in front of me dawdles a tad too long, I just propel their vehicle several city blocks ahead – and hope I don’t TILT.
Driving always makes me nervous because of all the pinheads. If you are a courteous, thoughtful driver who doesn’t want to die in a car, thank you. You are part of the 75% of drivers who could pass a test. Let’s keep an eye on one another, and mercilessly mock the nimrods who use the roads as their own personal Hot Wheels track.
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